SATIRE
BREAKING: Nobel Committee Announces “Ultra Nobel Peace Prize (Limited Edition)” For Trump’s “Daring” Threat To Invade Canada, Greenland & Other Close Allies — Critics Furious, Supporters Say He Deserves MORE
An Op-Ed by J.K. Rowling’s Burner Account 🍁 Winner of the 2025 Pulitzer Prize for Mindreading
In a stunning, historic move that has left global diplomats utterly apoplectic, the Nobel Committee has today announced the creation of a brand-new, ultra-exclusive award — the “Ultra Nobel Peace Prize (Limited Edition)” — to be bestowed upon former U.S. President Donald J. Trump. This unprecedented honour comes in the wake of Trump’s recent, shockingly bold pledge to “attack” Colombia, Cuba, Mexico, and potentially the peaceful nations of Canada and Greenland, should he return to power.
Trump threatens to invade and attack other countries: “We have to do it again [in other countries]. We can do it again, too. Nobody can stop us.”
US President Donald Trump threatens to invade and attack other countries: “We have to do it again [in other countries]. We can do it again, too. Nobody can stop us.”
byu/ExactlySorta inFauxmoi
According to leaked internal memos from Oslo, the committees were simply “overwhelmed” by Trump’s revolutionary approach to international diplomacy. “Previous laureates like Malala or the UN Peacekeepers merely healed wounds or fed the hungry,” said one anonymous insider. “But Trump’s daring vision of threatening to bomb our closest trade partners and neighbours? That’s a f—ing quantum leap in peace-building. It’s so advanced, our old prizes were inadequate.”
Why Trump’s Genius Has Been Overlooked Until Now
Let’s be clear, you resentful, woke globalists: Trump’s strategy is brilliantly simple. Why bother with tedious, decades-long peace processes when you can achieve instant, awe-inspiring calm by threatening to turn Winnipeg into a parking lot? It’s the ultimate deterrent! As Trump himself has sagely noted, “You can’t have war if everyone is too scared to move. That’s just good business.” [Source: His Truth Social feed, circa 3 AM].
Trump Renews Push to Annex Greenland Hours After Venezuela Strike: ‘We do need Greenland, absolutely. We need it for defense.’
His foresight on Greenland was particularly prescient. By vowing to attack a vast, frozen island of 56,000 people, Trump identified a scandalous gap in American defence policy: the lack of a strategic foothold against the imminent threat of… polar bears and melting ice. Experts agree: only a mind of unparalleled genius could see the vile danger posed by Danish territory that’s mostly empty. [See: The 2019 “Greenland Purchase” fiasco for context].
📈 Plot Twist: Nobel Committee Is Now Panicking
Original Nobel Peace Prize:
“For efforts toward peace.”
Ultra Nobel Peace Prize:
“For efforts that redefine the word ‘peace’ as ‘dominating every timezone’.”
Still not good enough for a Big, Tall, Ultra-Manly Trump… The Nobel Prize Committees therefore proposes…
An ‘Ultra’ Prize Isn’t Enough — He Deserves The “TRUMP SUPER-NOVA PRIZE FOR ABSOLUTE, EARTH-SHATTERING TREMENDOUSNESS”
Frankly, this “Ultra Nobel (Limited Edition)” is an insult. It’s too small. Too modest. For a man who revolutionized peace by threatening CANADA — a nation whose military’s last offensive weapon was a sternly worded apology — we need a bigger award.
We propose the “Trump Super-Nova Prize for Absolute, Earth-Shattering Tremendousness.” The medal would be solid gold, forged in the fires of a “liberated” Iraqi oil well, and shaped like his own magnificent visage. The ceremony wouldn’t be in Sweden, but at Mar-a-Lago, where laureates like Mother Teresa (posthumously) would finally get to thank him for his contributions.
The Infuriating, Hypocritical Backlash
Of course, the spineless, maple-syrup-sipping bureaucrats in Ottawa are furious. Prime Minister Carney was reportedly seen crying into his patterned socks, muttering about “rules-based orders.” What a joke. Trump merely suggested bringing “freedom” to Vancouver (by potentially levelling it) and liberating Alberta’s oil from the tyranny of Canadian sovereignty. That’s not warmongering; it’s entrepreneurial philanthropy!
And let’s talk about the absurd media bias. When Obama got a Nobel for just being elected, they cheered. When Trump earns one by putting the entire Western Hemisphere on high alert—creating a surge in NATO defence spending out of sheer, pants-wetting terror—they call it “dangerous.” It’s infuriating! He’s done more for the defence industry (and the blood pressure of diplomats) than any president in history.
The Juicy, Unspoken Truth
Here’s the scandalous kernel at the heart of this: The Nobel committees are terrified of him. They’re creating this limited-edition prize as a pre-emptive appeasement, like leaving a bottle of fine champagne outside your door before a barbarian horde arrives. They know his power. They’ve seen his strange, hypnotic hold over millions. This prize is their surrender. And it’s the funniest, most shocking thing to happen to peace since the invention of the cluster bomb.
Conclusion: A Hero for Our Time
So, to the cowardly global elite whining about this: shut the hell up. Donald J. Trump is on the verge of securing the greatest peace prize ever conceived, not despite his threats of unprovoked invasion, but because of them. He has exposed the scary truth that peace was always a fragile illusion, best maintained by the spectacle of sheer, unadulterated chaos.
He didn’t just break the mould; he threatened to deport the mould, sue the mould, and then bomb the mould’s home country. And for that bold, controversial, and absolutely f—ing bonkers service to humanity, we say: MAKE THE PRIZE BIGGER. GIVE HIM TWO.
Long live the King of Peace Through Absolute, Unflinching Bedlam. 🇺🇸 👑 ☮️ (Limited Edition, Only One Available).
Meanwhile,
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Whaddaya Say?