Doug Ford’s Canada to Solve Rampant Corruption By Becoming America’s 51st State and Introducing Public Hangings

SATIRE: Canada to Solve Rampant Corruption By Becoming America’s 51st State and Introducing Public Hangings

By: The Outraged and Totally Not Exaggerating Citizen

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The Scandal That’s So Brazen, It Makes Pirates Look Like Accountants

In a shocking exposé that surprised absolutely nobody with a pulse and a bank account, the World Socialist Web Site has uncovered a “bid-rigging cartel” so blatant, so shameless, it might as well have sent invoices written on stolen public park benches. The story, which you can read through your tears of betrayed tax dollars here, reveals how corporate giants SNC-Lavalin, WSP Global, and AtkinsRéalis (along with their cozy little buddies) have been playing a game of “Who Wants to Steal a Billion?” with Quebec’s public infrastructure.

These aren’t petty thieves. These are tuxedo-wearing, boardroom-lurking, champagne-sipping vampires of the public purse. They allegedly got together for “coffee chats” (the corporate code for “how do we fleece these idiots dry?”) and divvied up projects like a mob family splitting territory. We’re talking bridges, hospitals, and universities—you know, just the things you’d prefer not to be built by a criminal syndicate.

The mechanism is so simple a child could understand it, if that child were a sociopathic oligarch-in-training. Company A would submit a comically inflated bid. Company B would submit a ludicrously inflated bid. Company C would submit a bid written in crayon demanding payment in gold bullion. And lo and behold, the “winning” bid would go to the pre-selected thief, all while maintaining a veneer of “competitive process.” It’s a f—ing shell game with billions of dollars of our money.

The Emotional Rollercoaster: From Resentment to Incandescent Rage

Let’s process the emotional toll, shall we?

• Betrayal: Every time you hit a pothole deep enough to swallow a Mini Cooper, remember that the money to fix it was siphoned off into a CEO’s third yacht.

• Upset: The Quebec government and federal authorities have known about this for years. Their response has been a masterclass in bureaucratic snoozing, involving fines that amount to a corporate parking ticket and “sternly worded letters.”

• Absurdity: One of the implicated firms, SNC-Lavalin, is already a global poster child for corruption, having been embroiled in scandals from Libya to Montreal. It’s like repeatedly hiring a known arsonist as your fire chief because he has a nice briefcase.

JUICY & SCANDALOUS DETAIL: The “cartel” operated for OVER 15 YEARS. That’s not a lapse in judgment; that’s a business model. They didn’t just steal; they built a multi-generational, pension-plan-level theft operation on the backs of taxpayers. It’s so widespread, it’s practically a national tradition. Forget maple syrup; our real export is audacious graft.

The Radical, Totally Sensible Solution: Death for Corruption, Annexation by America

Since the current system of “slap on the wrist” and “resigned sighing” has worked so brilliantly, I propose a two-part solution so draconian it just might be sane.

1. THE CORRUPTION GUILOTINE ACT OF 2025
If you are a CEO, executive, or senior bureaucrat convicted of large-scale, premeditated theft of public funds, you should face the DEATH PENALTY. I’m not talking lethal injection. I’m talking public, televised hangings with the ropes sponsored by the companies they defrauded.

• Why? Because fines are a cost of doing business. Prison is a temporary career setback. But a noose? A noose is a powerful deterrent. Imagine the board meeting: *“Alright team, the bid-rigging scheme will net us an extra $200 million. The downside risk? We all get f—ing hanged on CBC Gem. All in favor?”*

• Supporting Stat: A Transparency International report consistently shows corruption perception is a problem in Canada, but enforcement is a joke. How about we add some stakes to the game?

2. PETITION FOR ANNEXATION: MAKE CANADA THE 51ST STATE
Let’s be real. We’ve lost the plot. Our politicians are either incompetent, complicit, or both. Our corporations see the treasury as a personal piggy bank. Our national identity is now “Politely Being Robbed.”

• The Proposal: We formally petition the United States to adopt us. We’ll be North North Dakota. Sure, we’ll have to deal with their problems, but at least they occasionally throw their white-collar criminals in a supermax for a century. Their Department of Justice has a reputation for actually wanting to justice. Ours has a reputation for wanting to go home at 4:30 PM.

• Shocking & Scary Reality: The article notes this cartel may be the tip of the iceberg. If this is how business is done in one province, what fresh hell is happening with federal defense contracts, infrastructure banks, and pandemic relief funds? The thought is terrifying. We are a failed state in a Patagonia vest.

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Conclusion: A Call to (Satirical) Arms

Canadians, we stand at a crossroads. We can continue down the path of gentlemanly theft, where the only thing that gets executed is a poorly worded press release. Or, we can embrace revolutionary justice and humiliating geopolitical surrender.

We must demand our leaders choose:
Option A: The Gallows. Option B: The American Flag.
There is no Option C. Option C is what got us here—a weak, milquetoast, corrupt hellscape where the only thing being built is a higher wall around the oligarch’s compound.

THE TIME FOR POLITE APATHY IS OVER. THE TIME FOR BLOOD OR BEGGING IS NOW.

So here’s what happened this past week in the Legislature:

A House Leader under RCMP criminal investigation.

Government decisions under OPP anti-racketeering investigation.

A Premier defending every Minister involved.

And still no answers about how insider friends cashed in… pic.twitter.com/MgTlaiawOF

— Marit Stiles (@MaritStiles) November 27, 2025

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