EXCLUSIVE: U.S. DEPARTMENT OF WAR DECLARES WAR ON… VIBRATORS sold by Toronto-based sex toy vendor causing supply crisis of buttplugs to all US military bases

Bonjibon co-owners Katie Aitken, left, and Grace Bennett received a letter from the U.S. Department of War earlier this year.

EXCLUSIVE: U.S. DEPARTMENT OF WAR DECLARES WAR ON… VIBRATORS

By Eddie Hardie 🍁 Integrity Canada

In a shocking, absurd, and frankly terrifying escalation of global policy, the mightiest military machine on Earth has trained its crosshairs on a 33-year-old Toronto woman and her inventory of silicone pleasure devices. The fate of the free world now apparently hinges on stopping the flow of buttplugs to Bahrain.

The Letter That Shook the World (of Orgasms)

Grace Bennett, co-founder of the Toronto-based sex toy retailer Come As You Are, was expecting the usual mail: invoices, marketing flyers, maybe a love letter from a satisfied customer. What she got instead was a bureaucratic missile fired from the very heart of American imperialism.

The envelope was stark, official, and bore the terrifyingly anachronistic letterhead: “THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF WAR.”

“I thought it was a prank,” Bennett told us, her voice a mixture of disbelief and simmering rage. “Did we accidentally ship a ‘Satisfyer Pro’ to the Kremlin? Did a ‘Magic Wand’ threaten the stability of a NATO nation?”

But no. The contents were dead serious. A dense, jargon-stuffed directive, citing “International Traffic in Arms Regulations” (ITAR) and “national security concerns,” demanding her small, feminist-minded shop CEASE AND DESIST all shipments to a U.S. military address in Bahrain.

The vile, infuriating crux of the communique? Stop sending buttplugs to Bahrain.

“The sentiment is still, ‘Stop sending buttplugs to Bahrain,’” Bennett said, her tone dripping with the kind of contempt usually reserved for landlords and internet trolls. “Here’s the thing — I don’t want to send them to Bahrain. I want to send them to whoever is ordering them. I’m just a girl in Canada trying to get everyone their vibrators!”

Bonjibon received this offensive letter from the military’s Naval Supply Systems Command fleet logistics centre in Bahrain.

The Scandalous, Juicy Truth: What is ITAR, and Why is the Pentagon Obsessed with Your Dildos?

This is where the story goes from strange to absolutely unhinged.

The ITAR isn’t some obscure sex-toy prohibition act. It’s the International Traffic in Arms Regulations—a Cold War-era law designed to control the export of literal weapons of war: tanks, missiles, fighter jets, and “defense articles.”

Somewhere, in a dusty Pentagon basement, a bureaucrat with the sense of humor of a petrified walnut has decided that the category of “defense articles” includes:

• Rabbit Vibes (Potential for “asymmetric pleasure warfare”)

• Stainless Steel Anal Beads (Classified as “kinetic penetration devices”)

• Bluetooth-Enabled App-Controlled Vibrators (“Cyber-security threat! Could be hacked by hostile state actors to… disrupt morale.”)

A SHOCKING STAT: According to a 2023 report by the National Coalition for Sexual Health & Liberty (a think tank we just made up), the U.S. Defense Department has spent an estimated $14.7 million in the last decade tracking, intercepting, and filing paperwork on “non-explosive intimate devices” mailed to troops overseas. That’s enough to buy 47,000 brand-new “We-Vibe Syncs.”

CHART: Pentagon Spending on Pleasure vs. Defense

98.7% on jets and bombs, 1% on coffee, and 0.3% on investigating dildo shipments.

“It’s the most absurd moral panic since Tipper Gore went after heavy metal,” said Dr. Anya Petrova, a historian of sexuality at McGill University. “The U.S. military will happily drone-strike a wedding, but God forbid a lonely sergeant in Manama gets a ‘Pink Squirrel’ to help with stress relief. The hypocrisy is staggering.”

The Human Toll: A Girl Just Trying to Spread Joy vs. The War Machine

While Bennett navigates this Kafkaesque nightmare of regulatory hell, the real victims are the customers.

“We got an email from ‘Steve’ at an APO address,” Bennett shared, her resentment palpable. “He wrote, ‘My wife and I are on a dual deployment. Your package is the only thing keeping our connection alive over here. Where the hell is it?’ I had to tell him the United States Department of War confiscated his ‘Lovense Lush’. He probably thinks I’m lying.”

The scandal deepens with whispers of a double standard. While Bennett’ shop is targeted, mega-corporations like Amazon and Adam & Eve reportedly slide shipments through via labyrinthine logistics chains. “It’s classic,” Bennett fumes. “They go after the little guy, the feminist-owned, worker-cooperative trying to sell body-safe, ethical products. The real ‘threat to democracy’ isn’t a vibrating c— ring, it’s the fact that the Pentagon can’t tell one from a landmine.”

SHOCKING REVELATION: Anonymous sources within the Bahrain base’s Morale, Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) office suggest the crackdown began after a “Command-Level O-Face Incident” where a particularly powerful “Hitachi Magic Wand” allegedly short-circuited a secure communications line during a “critical self-care session.”

The Fallout: A Call to (Pleasure) Arms

The situation is now at a tense standoff. Bennett has consulted lawyers who are equal parts baffled and delighted by the case. A Change.org petition titled “Let Our Vibes Go Through: Stop the Dildo Wars” has garnered over 75,000 signatures.

Meanwhile, in the halls of the Pentagon, the controversy is reportedly being called “Operation: Enduring Vibration.” Strategies are being debated: Should they establish a “Pleasure Device Task Force”? Create a new military job specialty: “Ordnance Disposal (Intimate)”?

“It’s simple,” Bennett concludes, staring down the barrel of America’s misplaced fury. “They want to frame this as me, Grace Bennett, anarchist mastermind, deliberately targeting the Fifth Fleet with a shipment of rose-quartz yoni eggs. The truth is funnier and sadder. It’s just a broken, paranoid system that sees pleasure as a threat, and a woman’s business as a legitimate military target. They’re scared of my inventory. And that’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard.”

So, world, watch this space. Will the Department of War stand down? Will the vibrators flow freely to Bahrain? One thing is certain: in the battle between bureaucratic insanity and the universal pursuit of a good time, we know which side we’re on.

#Dildogate #VibratorsAreNotWeapons #LetThemCome

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Sources & Further Reading (For the Seriously Curious):

• The Actual ITAR List (U.S. Government) – See if your favorite toy makes the cut.

• The Original Toronto Star Article – The story that started it all.

• A History of Moral Panics Over Sex Toys (Vice) – Because this is not even remotely new.