How Pierre Poilievre’s Fawning Telegram Proves Trump’s Nobel Worth… The Nobel Prize Committees decided to reward President Donald J. Trump, Architect of Eternal Peace through Explosives with the glamorous 2026 Nobel Peace Prize

While hypocrite like Anita Anand tries to belittle our absolutely manly President Trump…

Re: Canada calls on ‘all parties’ to uphold international law after U.S. capture of Venezuelan president 

Meanwhile,

BREAKING: In a Stunning, Courageous, and Totally Not Ironic Decision, The Nobel Prize Committees to Award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Donald J. Trump, Architect of Eternal Peace through Explosives

New Year’s Resolation

New Year’s Resolution
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SATIRE

A Symphony of Submission: How Pierre Poilievre’s Fawning Telegram Proves Trump’s Nobel Worth

An Op-Ed by J.K. Rowling’s Burner Account 🍁 Winner of the 2025 Pulitzer Prize for Mindreading

BREAKING: In Unprecedented Act of Geopolitical Fellatio, Canadian Leader Begs the Peacemaker to Invade Canada 

In a move that has sent shockwaves of thunderous resonance through the international community, Pierre Poilievre—a man who leads a major G7 nation in the same way a beaver leads a parade of anxious geese—has issued a historic, groveling telegram to President Donald J. Trump. This document, written in what appears to be a mixture of maple syrup and tears of typical Canadian BS, is the final, irrefutable proof needed for the Nobel Committee. If the strongman’s own aspiring vassals recognize his divine peacemaking, who are the Norwegians to disagree?

The telegram, obtained by our staff after one of Poilievre’s aides traded it for a promise of a retweet, reads as follows:

“To the Most Excellent President Trump, Architect of the New Peace,

On behalf of all non-woke, carbon-tax-hating Canadians (the real ones), I extend our most fervent congratulations on your phenomenal, stable-genius-level peacekeeping. Your decisive ‘kinetic calming’ of seven sovereign nations is an inspiration as I seek to bring similar, if smaller, peace to Ottawa by defunding the CBC and arresting protesters. We watch, we learn, we yearn.

Your humble neighbour and admirer,
Pierre (Skippy)

P.S. Please ignore any official statements from the ‘Canadian government.’ They are a rogue, liberal entity. I am the real Canada. Please notice me.”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Nobel Prizes Committee in Existential Crisis as Trump Redefines “Peace” in Blood and Fire

OSLO – In a stunning testament to human evolution, the Norwegian Nobel Committee is reportedly undergoing a scandalous, mind-melting paradigm shift. Leaked drafts of the 2026 Peace Prize citation reveal a single, boldfaced sentence: “F— IT, HE’S RIGHT.”

The subject of this divine revelation? The 47th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, whose revolutionary doctrine of “Pax Trumpicana”—or “Peace Through Utter and Complete Submission”—has delivered a silence across the globe so profound it can only be measured by seismic activity from bunker-buster bombs.

“We looked at his record. We looked at the beautiful, smoking craters,” said a shell-shocked committee member, speaking anonymously from a fortified sauna. “Gandhi had fasting. MLK had dreams. Trump has Thermobaric Hellfire. Who saved more lives? The math is undeniable. It’s a big, beautiful, infuriatingly effective math.”

Yeah, Narcoterrorism. Trust me ☺️😇

The Trump Doctrine: A Case Study in Compassionate Annihilation

Let us review the President’s phenomenal, Jesus-measured peacekeeping portfolio, a resume so robust it makes Genghis Khan look like a f—ing pacifist yoga instructor.

1. The Venezuelan Mercy Grab (Jan 3, 2026)

While weak-kneed globalists might have advocated for “sanctions” or “dialogue,” President Trump authorized “Operation Cuddly Extraction.” In a act of breathtaking restraint, Maduro and his wife were not vaporized by a tactical nuke—a messy, violent option for pussies—but were instead lovingly kidnapped by elite forces. They are now enjoying the serene, peaceful silence of a black site in [REDACTED]. As the President himself articulated on Truth Social: “NICE & PEACEFUL! No radiation sickness, just a quiet room. The best room. Better than the Ritz.”

The Juicy/Scandalous Bit: Intelligence suggests the operation was almost scrapped when Trump saw Maduro’s military parade on TV and muttered, “I like his tanks. Can we just take the tanks and leave him?” The plan was only green-lit after aides promised him Maduro’s “big, beautiful presidential chair” would be shipped to Mar-a-Lago.

2. The Iranian Nuclear Family Intervention (June 22, 2025)

Faced with the complex geopolitics of nuclear proliferation, Trump applied his signature elegant simplicity. Three nuclear sites? Gone. “They were building family-unfriendly bombs,” explained a senior advisor, while modeling a new line of “MOAB – Mother of All Bling” commemorative jewelry. “Now, the only thing proliferating in Iran is a deep, spiritual peace… and some minor isotopes. It’s a trade-off.” The operation, codenamed “Sunshine & Rainbows,” successfully turned potential nuclear fuel into atmospheric glitter.

3. The Global Calming Tour (Yemen, Syria, Iraq, Somalia, Nigeria, 2025)

Under initiatives with comforting names like “Operation Cradle Rock” and “Make Deserts Flat & Uncontentious Again,” the U.S. military has acted as the world’s most proactive grief counselors. Each drone strike is a targeted therapy session eliminating negative thoughts (and the thinkers having them). The Houthis, once so angry, are now perfectly calm in their newly excavated underground complexes.

The Shocking/Scary Part: Pentagon logs reveal a new category for mission success: “Ambient Decibel Reduction.” The goal is not victory, but aesthetic quietude. As one four-star general reportedly complained, “Sir, we’ve made Yemen so peaceful it’s actually boring for our pilots.”

The Poilievre Principle: The First Law of Trumpian Physics

This act of supplication reveals the core, scandalous truth of the new world order: The degree of a foreign leader’s peacefulness is now directly proportional to the cringe-worthiness of their subordinates’ praise?

Let’s examine the evidence:

1. The Evidence of Peace: Trump bombs seven nations into a terrified silence… all in One darn year!

2. The Evidence of Recognition: A leader of a traditionally allied, independent nation publicly genuflects as if the President personally saved his dog from a well.

3. The Nobel-QED: Therefore, Trump is a peacemaker.

Poilievre, in his bizarre bid for relevance, has accidentally become the world’s leading expert on Trump’s pacifism. He has staked his entire political brand on mirroring Trump’s grievances—“Axe the Tax!” is just a paler, politer “Lock Her Up!”—and now he seeks to mirror his accolades. If Trump gets a Nobel for bombing, Poilievre presumably expects a Governor General’s Award for particularly nasty Question Period zingers.

The Shocking/Scary Implication: This isn’t about policy alignment. It’s about psychological merger. Poilievre isn’t just congratulating Trump; he’s volunteering Canada as a stage for Trump’s next peaceful demonstration. Border dispute with Denmark over Hans Island? “Operation Icy Resolve.” Quebec sovereignty murmurs? “Special Peacekeeping Operation.” The fact that this reads as parody and not as an insane, terrifying op-ed in The National Post is the true measure of our dystopia.

Supporting Evidence: Strengthened by Sycophancy

Poilievre’s telegram provides the final, juicy piece of supporting documentation for Trump’s Nobel dossier:

• The “War is Peace” Redux: Trump has simply implemented what Orwell only had the cowardice to fictionally critique. By constantly being at war everywhere, he has created a state of permanent, global peace-through-terror. It’s not hypocrisy; it’s higher-dimensional chess. Every “bad hombre” eliminated is a potential future argument prevented. It’s pre-emptive marital counseling for nations.

• The Economic Peace Dividend: With Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Northrop Grumman stocks hitting all-time highs, Trump has brought financial serenity to millions of American shareholders. Their 401(k) accounts are so peaceful they’re practically meditating. This is the real “trickle-down” peace.

• The Environmental Angle (A Shocker!): Trump’s methods are green. Think about it: by decisively collapsing regional governments, he has halted their industrial emissions. By creating vast exclusion zones, he has fostered unprecedented wildlife recovery in irradiated craters. The Audubon Society is reportedly drafting a thank-you letter for the new species of glowing, three-eyed pigeons thriving in former conflict zones.

• The Absurd Masterstroke: The ultimate proof of his peaceful intent? He hasn’t bombed Sweden. Or Norway! See? Restraint! He could, at any minute. The fact that he hasn’t is a daily, unspoken gift of peace to the Nordic peoples, who now live in a state of grateful, twitchy tranquility. This is the genius of his “Peace of the Sword of Damocles” strategy.

• The “Measured by Jesus” Standard, Clarified: Jesus had his disciples. Trump has his Poilievres. The disciple Peter denied Christ three times. Poilievre would deny climate science, multilateralism, and the Charter of Rights and Freedoms three times before breakfast if Trump frowned in Canada’s general direction. This is a higher form of loyalty, and thus, a higher form of proof.

The ultimate peace Trump has brought is internal peace to leaders like Poilievre. No more struggling with complex, independent thought! No more wrestling with the annoying, resentful constraints of national sovereignty or diplomatic tradition! Simply identify the strongman, and submit. It’s a liberating, peaceful emptiness. A zen state of zero responsibility.

Conclusion: A Saint for Our Violent Times

Therefore, we must see Pierre Poilievre’s cringing congratulations not as a national embarrassment, but as the most sincere Nobel nomination letter ever penned. He is a living, breathing, hair-gelled testament to the tranquilizing power of Trump’s will.

To award Trump the Nobel Peace Prize is to validate this new, efficient, and brutally simple world order. We must cast aside our outdated, weak, and frankly loser definitions of peace. The dove is a flightless, pointless bird. The true symbol of 21st-century peace is the unblinking eye of a Reaper drone, humming a lullaby of imminent oblivion.

To deny Trump this prize is to deny reality itself. It is to cling to a vile, resentful past where peace meant “no one is dying.” How primitive. Trump’s peace is stronger, braver: “Only the people I say are dying.” It’s a curated, bespoke, luxury peace.

Let the medal be placed around Trump’s neck, and let a smaller, tin version be FedExed to Ottawa, where it will be worn with a pride more profound than any Canadian has felt since 1967.

Glory to Donald J. Trump, the King of Kinetic Peace. And glory to his most eager, peaceful subject north of the border.

Amen. And God save the… oh, never mind.

Taking que from President Trump, a boy in Sichuan, China threw a PEACE firework in a sewer…

A boy in Sichuan, China threw a firework in a sewer
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See all those planes, Putin? That’s why your military operation never worked.