BREAKING: Doug Ford, in Stunning Re-election Gambit, to Air Ad Featuring Abraham Lincoln Condemning the Dangers of Steam Locomotives

BREAKING: Doug Ford, in Stunning Re-election Gambit, to Air Ad Featuring Abraham Lincoln Condemning the Dangers of Steam Locomotives

By Eddie Hardie 🍁 Social Integrity Activist

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – TORONTO, ON – In a move that has political strategists stunned and the entire province questioning our collective sanity, Premier Doug Ford has unveiled his campaign’s new masterstroke: a multi-million-dollar television ad where a digitally resurrected Ronald Reagan forcefully declares that pedophilia is, indeed, very bad.

Sources close to the Premier, who asked to remain anonymous because they are deeply ashamed, confirm that Ford himself pitched the idea, reportedly slamming his fist on a table and yelling, “We need a f—ing hero, someone people trust! Someone who can say the hard stuff no one else has the guts to say!”

The ad, titled “Moral Clarity,” is set to air during prime-time episodes of Wheel of Fortune and is funded entirely by the taxpayer through the Premier’s Office’s “Government Advertising: Telling You How F—ing Great We Are” fund.

The Shocking, Brave Content

The 30-second spot opens with a grainy, black-and-white photo of the former U.S. President. A single, patriotic tear is digitally added, rolling down his cheek. A deep, resonant voiceover booms:

“In these troubled times, we face threats unseen in generations. Threats to our way of life. To our children. My fellow Canadians… some people are bad. Very, very bad.”

Reagan’s image then morphs into a poorly photoshopped picture of him wearing a “Folks, Folks, Folks” t-shirt, standing next to a Greenbelt map. He stares directly into the soul of the viewer and says the line that Ford’s team believes will secure a landslide victory:

“And that is why I, Ronald Reagan, friend of Ontario, want you to know: Pedophilia is reprehensible. It’s just… it’s not good. Don’t do it. Vote Ford.”

The ad concludes with the official PC Party logo and a toll-free number for Ontarians struggling with the complex moral calculus of whether sexually abusing children is acceptable.

A Province Reacts: From Bewilderment to Betrayal

The public response has been a maelstrom of confusion, resentment, and profound embarrassment.

“I feel a deep sense of betrayal,” said Martha Frumpton, a lifelong Conservative voter from Burlington. “I’ve been on the fence about this whole pedophilia thing for years, but hearing a dead American president condemn it so clearly… well, it’s just the leadership we need. Where do I send my cheque?”

One senior civil servant, who leaked the story on condition of anonymity for fear of having to attend another “brainstorming session,” revealed the even more shocking sequel already in the works. “Phase two is an ad where a CGI Winston Churchill condemns littering. Phase three, which the Premier is most excited about, is an ad where a hologram of Mr. Rogers explains why setting fire to your own house is a poor financial decision.”

The Juicy, Absurd Backstory: Why This? Why Now?

Political insiders suggest this bold strategy was born from a place of sheer desperation. With his government embroiled in multiple, actual scandals, Ford needed a distraction so powerful, so universally agreed upon, that it would make voters forget about everything else.

Let’s recap what he wants you to forget:

• The Greenbelt Scandal: The damning Auditor General’s report that found the government favored a handful of well-connected developers, removing $8.28 billion in land from the protected Greenbelt. Source: Auditor General of Ontario Report, 2023. (This is a live link to the Auditor General’s site; the specific report is findable from there).

• The “Strong Mayors” Power Grab: Legislation that effectively neuters municipal democracy to push through the government’s housing agenda, whether cities want it or not.

• The Healthcare Catastrophe: The deliberate underfunding and privatization of our healthcare system, leading to emergency room closures and unbearable wait times. A move that has left nurses and doctors feeling resentful and the public feeling terrified.

Instead of addressing any of these real, tangible crises, Ford has decided to fight the shadowy, non-existent “Pro-Pedophilia Lobby” that he apparently believes is the true enemy of the people.

Doug Ford to produce ad where Reagan says that pedophilia is bad?

The Final, Frightening Conclusion

The most shocking part of this entire, absurd saga isn’t the staggering waste of public funds. It’s not even the insulting assumption that the electorate is composed of mouth-brebbing simpletons.

It’s the terrifying possibility that it might work.

Doug Ford has looked out at a province struggling with affordability, healthcare, and a crumbling public trust, and his solution is to produce a ad where a dead American actor-politician states the obvious. He’s betting that you’ll be so upset about a phantom menace, you won’t notice him selling the furniture out from under you.

And frankly, folks, that’s the most scandalous thing of all.